I miss him.
But I have to ask myself the honest and real question of exactly what it is that I miss.
I knew our online interaction would never manifest into anything physical or real, yet I still put my whole self into it and allowed real feelings to develop, as though there might be some chance or possibility of being wrong.
The heart can be rather careless at times, and mine is no exception to how careless she can be.
I suppose that is my way though. Even if it is self-destructive, I will always choose to give my all, or give nothing at all, rather than reduce myself as some kind of tepid lover. But nonetheless, at some point reality kicks in…
Perhaps I miss the way he was able to make me feel, how he helped me to recognize things about myself, or even how he shook my world; even from more than 2000 miles away. Or maybe it’s just as simple as missing the idea of him, of us, or of it ever becoming more than a detailed fantasy.
I suppose there’s nothing more I can say or do now but to allow myself to accept the final goodbye…and maybe this time be a bit more convinced that I actually mean it.
There are some moments in life you cannot forget. The memory of the smell, the taste, the tears, the sweat, the way your heart raced, and the sound it made as it cracked open.
Memories become like shadows that follow you around…
And then you become one.
What is real anymore?
I don’t even know….
We’ve replaced the warmth of companionship with a cold handheld device I keep at my fingertips.
Imagination and imagery has trumped that of which is tangible. We find comfort in what we can’t have.
I find it sad really, and a bit lonely on this side of my screen. What’s real? Is it how I imagine you to be, or how I want to be perceived?
No… it’s not.
I’ve become a fucking slave to words–words my ears won’t hear, a slave to convenience and availability.
What do I want?
I want something real. Something challenging. Something that requires effort and offers reward. Something dependable. Something I can touch, smell, taste….
We are all replaceable here. Because it’s all too easy. I don’t want easy. Not anymore.
I’m going to remove my social media apps from my phone. It’s going to be difficult, because again, I have gotten sucked into this stupid world of insta-anything-and-everything.
I am so much smarter than that.
Sometimes we receive epiphanies at the strangest times. They’ve come to me while driving, while sleeping, while washing dishes, and today…while shaving my vagina.
I’m not exactly sure of what might have triggered the thought that occurred to me, but whatever. It happened and before I forget, I figured I should write it down.
I’ve always considered myself someone who easily welcomes change. Life has forced me to come to terms with many changes over my lifetime. Different schools, different cities, jobs, divorce, etc. But in all actuality, I think tonight I realized that I’m not a huge fan of change. There is a big difference between liking change, and adapting to change.
I suppose I make the best of changes as they come. But deep down inside of me I think I’m ready for something consistent, solid, reliable and concrete.
I’m not young anymore and I’m only getting older. I want to settle down, and establish some roots. I want to feel as though I have found my place in this world, and for once not get bored.
I know change is necessary. But some changes mean goodbyes and that’s not something I’ve ever really been good with. Sure, I can disappear and practically vanish (moving every year as a child taught me how to detach from any ideations of permanence), but what others may not realize about me is that I carry pieces with me. I really am rather sentimental.
So to embrace change, perhaps it means accepting the idea of letting go. That’s not to say I shouldn’t carry memories with me, but some memories seem to create deafening echoes.
When change knocks at my door, I must be ready to acknowledge those who will accompany and those who can’t. And maybe learn the importance of a real goodbye and the closure that comes with it.
I think I’m ready for certain changes to unfold, and maybe it’s time I let go of the things that are keeping me down.
Guess that’s my thought for right now.
Without clear instruction, or guidance, maybe we learn to rely on our internal compass. Or even come to a place of mustering up the courage to just make a decision regardless of the unknown. In life, some choices aren’t so muddled; the distinctions can be easily recognized and the consequences calculated. But not always, as in this case.
So I’m standing here, a little hesitant about the direction I want to go. Saddened also, because I realize some things, and some memories cannot come with me. A little apprehensive, too, for not knowing what lies ahead, but fully aware of the fact that standing still can no longer be an option. I want to move forward, but to do so, I have to be willing to let go of some things.
Not such an easy task for the sentimental person I know I am.