My perspective on things is beginning to shift lately. But I haven’t decided yet if that’s a perception I want to keep. Perhaps it’s my weird, analytic side talking, but my mind has been busy weighing the pros and cons of some decisions that need to be made. But not just in making the decisions but how I should also handle the responsibility that goes with making such decisions, and the permancy of it.
I’m so bad about holding on to things. things that turn into sadness and/or sometimes anger. It seems there’s a lot of things I need to let go of.
I suppose letting go is a difficult task for me, or at least that has been true lately. I have been holding on to years of hurt, feelings of rejection, or the belief that I’m not good enough. Who concinved me that I am not worthy of anything good?
Thoughts can be much like bad habits–and I seem to attract those who will reinforce that negative thinking, or make truth of the believable lie that anyone would really and truly want me, just as I am.
Regardless if it’s true or not, I’m beginning not give a fuck about those who can’t or won’t care about me. I don’t want to put forth anymore efforts. Perhaps it’s time I just focus on caring for myself.
It’s just unfortunate that I have had a lifetime of disappointments, particularly in love. And the irony is that’s really all I have ever wanted; was to feel special, feel important, needed, and know that I matter.
Anyway, I’m just jotted down some old thoughts now as I soak in the bath…but I have a feeling that I’m close to disappearing, and I wonder—would anyone even notice.