Dig deeper

Years ago I adopted the belief that we are a product of our way of thinking. I know some would argue this philosophy, but it’s not a new concept or made up by me. There are several resources one could look up, if one felt so compelled, but I am not aiming to convince anyone of what I have come to realize for myself. We all have our own set of beliefs and will base our conclusion on such things.

However, I want to delve deeper into my understanding of what I feel to be a true reflection of who I am, and why I am the way I am. Albeit, some life-circumstances and events are beyond my control, and play a tremendous part in the shaping of my thoughts and mentality about myself and my surroundings. But ultimately, aren’t I responsible for how i allow those experiences to infiltrate my pattern of thinking? At some point, my past is no longer a valid excuse for the choices I make on a daily basis.

Negative influences most likely produce negative actions and negative results thereof. And if that be the case, then one may also say positive influences have the capability of producing positive actions and positive results. It may not be an exact science and work out that way without fail, but there is such a thing as mind over and the power of pursuation.

5-15-17 ch-ch-ch-changes 

I’m always talking about the changes that need to occur in my life, but at this very moment I’m acutely aware of the fact that  I haven’t done one damn thing about it, except complain. I’ve allowed this negative thought-process to eat away at me little by little. And while circumstances may not always be in my favor, why would that be any reason to give away my happiness?

People will sometimes lie, sometimes they’ll use you, hurt you, or cause you to doubt your own worth. Sometimes money will be tight, the laundry can be overwhelming, and the shit will hit the fan. 

So what? 

These are just things; passing moments,  that one day won’t matter, so why should it matter now? 

All I can really do is focus on myself.  And in those times when even that seems to be A challenge, I just need to remember to put one foot in front of the other. And along the way, I will leave behind the weighted pieces that I don’t want to carry with me.  
It’s all about self-worth and creating boundaries. If someone wants to lie to me, then they will. I can’t change that. But I don’t have to allow them to continue lying to me–I can simply choose the company I want to keep. 

It’s really that simple. 

I’m realizing, too, that I can’t fault others for who they are.  And I certainly can’t change it. It’s not their fault when I find myself attached and unable to accept the things I already know. It’s not their fault that I give second and third chances for them to prove me right over and over again.  It’s my fault for allowing such a bond or attachment or even the idea or expectation to influence how I would rather view them. If they aren’t able to meet my expectations in terms of standards and character, then it’s my fault for keeping them around. 

So yeah, changes are happening right now. And it feels good. 🙂


It has been awhile since my last entry.  I’ve had so much on my mind, yet I can’t seem to organize my thoughts enough to write them out.  Nothing new in that regard, I suppose.  As I will sometimes look back on previous entries, I seem to have always had some struggle with articulation when it comes to matters of the heart and the head. 

At the moment life is interesting. Some things have changed and some things seem as though they never will.  I realize I cannot affect the latter, so I instead try to focus on the things I can move.  Myself. 

There are some days when I feel life is working in my favor, but as soon as I begin to bask in the relief of finally being able to coast a little, something happens and I find myself right back into some dark corner in my mind.  I often wonder if this is how it will always be. It’s not that I  expect things should or will always be easy, but should they always be difficult? 

I often look back and think of how I might have done things differently in some way, but then, what is the point of that? While I do believe hindsight holds much wisdom, I feel if we keep our focus on what is behind us we will only find regret hiding in the crevices. I would rather look forward but I’m somewhat at a loss because I don’t have any certainties about what the future holds. I can only hope something good is waiting for me when I finally get there.  

Overall though, I can’t really complain. These small issues are really just that; small, and pale in comparison to some of the larger issues in life. And so for that, I am grateful.  I’m just sick and tired of jumping hurdles on what could be an easier strip of blacktop to travel on.  Maybe in some twisted way, these hurdles will aid in my benefit. 

Ok. Off to work now. 

The Chase and Wait

The Chase 
I understand the thrill of it,I think. Though I guess that understanding is through a skewed perspective, because I’m not really one who chases. But I can appreciate the thrill of it. The mindset, or perhaps the goal that is set forth with an all-out determination to achieve. Maybe that’s the whole point of the Chase; to prove to oneself that a prize can be obtained through diligence and effort. In that regard, maybe I have been one who has chased after things–things I want or believe I need. And yes, getting what I wanted was rewarding. So again, I suppose that’s the point. But that is about the only common trait I have with those who are addicted to the chase…
Some don’t necessarily care about keeping what they have worked so hard to get. They just want the gratification of knowing they can get it. And once they do, they are off and fixed on the next prize. 
I have to imagine that at some point it would become tiring, and eventually lonely. But then, I can also attest to how tiring and lonesome being the one who waits can be. Which, I suppose is more my style: To wait. 
The Wait
Though it sounds like a virtue; and maybe it is to some extent, but most times it just feels like a shaken bottle filled with anticipation–it’s mostly contained, but after awhile the pressures of waiting build, and soon thereafter, the guts of that so-called virtue has spewed all over the place. 
I’m not sure why they say “the best things come to those who wait.” Especially when all that really comes to my mind is ketchup. And ketchup is ketchup. Perhaps not all ketchup is created equally, but at the end of the day, it’s just rotten tomatoes and salt, right? Right. And after waiting for what seems like an eternity, does that dollop of realization taste like disappointment?  
I guess the real question is this: what is worth the chase, and what is worth the wait? Because, while each method may be very different; there is the same possible outcome of being blindsided with the reward of an ungrateful attitude of thinking there may be something better. 
Something I will think about for a little while, I think. 

Letting it burn

My perspective on things is beginning to shift lately. But I haven’t decided yet if that’s a perception I want to keep.  Perhaps it’s my weird, analytic side talking, but my mind has been busy weighing the pros and cons of some decisions that need to be made.  But not just in making the decisions but how I should also handle the responsibility that goes with making such decisions, and the permancy of it. 

I’m so bad about holding on to things. things that turn into sadness and/or sometimes anger.  It seems there’s a lot of things I need to let go of.  

I suppose letting go is a difficult task for me, or at least that has been true lately. I have been holding on to years of hurt, feelings of rejection, or the belief that I’m not good enough.  Who concinved me that I am not worthy of anything good? 

Thoughts can be much like bad habits–and I seem to attract those who will reinforce that negative thinking, or make truth of the believable lie that anyone would really and truly want me, just as I am. 

Regardless if it’s true or not, I’m beginning not give a fuck about those who can’t or won’t care about me. I don’t want to put forth anymore efforts.   Perhaps it’s time I just focus on caring for myself. 

It’s just unfortunate that I have had a lifetime of disappointments, particularly in love.  And the irony is that’s really all I have ever wanted; was to feel special, feel important, needed, and know that I matter. 

Anyway, I’m just jotted down some old thoughts now as I soak in the bath…but I have a feeling that I’m close to disappearing, and I wonder—would anyone even notice. 


I miss him. 

But I have to ask myself the honest and real question of exactly what it is that I miss.

I knew our online interaction would never manifest into anything physical or real, yet I still put my whole self into it and allowed real feelings to develop, as though there might be some chance or possibility of being wrong.

 The heart can be rather careless at times, and mine is no exception to how careless she can be. 

 I suppose that is my way though. Even if it is self-destructive, I will always choose to give my all, or give nothing at all, rather than reduce myself as some kind of tepid lover.  But nonetheless, at some point reality kicks in…

Perhaps I miss the way he was able to make me feel, how he helped me to recognize things about myself, or even how he shook my world; even from more than 2000 miles away. Or maybe it’s just as simple as missing the idea of him, of us, or of it ever becoming more than a detailed fantasy. 

I suppose there’s nothing more I can say or do now but to allow myself to accept the final goodbye…and maybe this time be a bit more convinced that I actually mean it.